lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
