My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
