i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
