mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
