True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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