Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
