She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize