so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
