help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
