My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
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He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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