I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
