u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
