I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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