She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
