I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
