im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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