Im at strip club and am horny
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
