I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
