oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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