he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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