I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
