There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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