From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
