I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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