I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
