Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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