We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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