Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
