I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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