Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
