Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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