Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
