My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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