Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
