Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
