Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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