I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
