I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
