Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
