Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
