quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
