make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
