I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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