She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
