Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
