There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
