Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
