Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
