the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
