At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
