i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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