my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
