So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
