why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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