If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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