This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
