I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
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this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
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i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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