Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
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I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
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She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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